


The Way I Feel

by orphan_account



Series: Tumblr Prompts/Requests [8]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Asexual Kageyama, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-31
Updated: 2016-03-31
Packaged: 2018-05-30 06:59:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6413602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's something wrong with Tobio-chan and Tooru's going to find out what it is, because the last thing he wants is for this problem to potentially ruin their relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Way I Feel

Tobio-chan’s been acting weird for a while now. It’s starting to get on Tooru’s nerves, because every time he tries to bring it up, he’s met with a deflection. It’s not like they get to see each other very often as they go to different schools. Whatever’s up with Tobio-chan eats away at their precious time together and he’s tired of it.

He intends to bring it up when Tobio-chan comes over on Saturday to spend the night. This can’t keep going on any longer. Tooru worries that Tobio-chan’s starting to regret their relationship, like this is his way of trying to back out of it.

Truth be told, their relationship is new; roughly a month and a half old. They’ve kissed a few times but that’s as far as they’ve gone. Tooru’s tried to initiate sex twice, but he was rejected each time. For now, Tooru’s given up because it is clear that Tobio-chan isn’t ready for that. And if Tobio-chan’s not ready, then neither is Tooru.

The day Tooru asks Tobio-chan to come spend the night is a Monday, so the days until Saturday drag on forever. He’s a little worried that Tobio-chan will back out of this too, but after he received the confirmation not five minutes after he asked, Tobio-chan hasn’t hinted or said outright that he really can’t (or doesn’t want to) go.

When Saturday finally arrives, Tooru is beyond nervous. Tobio-chan’s not able to come over until midday because he has chores he needs to complete, but when Tooru gets the text that Tobio-chan’s now on the bus that’ll take him past Tooru’s street, Tooru feels anxiety twist in his stomach to the point where he fears he might throw up.

He’s not ready for this relationship to end, but he’s also not ready for the talk they’ll need to have to save it.

Tobio-chan walks through the door, mumbling hello to Tooru’s mother who knows by now that he’s just really soft-spoken and shy where his elders are concerned.

“He’s up in his room,” Tooru hears his mother say. “Tooru, come down here! Your friend Tobio-kun is here.”

“That’s okay,” Tobio-chan tells her. “I could go up there, if that’s alright?”

“That’s fine. But honestly, that child needs to come downstairs and answer the door himself if he’s expecting guests! I thought I raised him better than this…”

Okay, Tooru is _eighteen_ now. He’s not a child. When will she stop talking about him like he’s ten years old? He jumps when knuckles rap against his door.

“Tooru-san,” says Tobio-chan. “It’s me. Can I come in?”

Tooru hasn’t been able to get Tobio-chan to drop the ‘—san’ yet, but he considers it a great achievement to get him to say Tooru’s first name.

“Yeah, sure,” he calls.

Tobio-chan slides the door open, steps inside, and then slides it closed again. He drops his backpack on the ground, kicks it out of the way of the door with his foot, and pads across the room to join Tooru on the bed.

And they don’t say anything.

The silence weighs heavily on Tooru, who wishes he knew how to break it without having to instigate _the talk_. In the end, he decides it’s better just to get it over and done with. There’s no use continuing to angst about it.

He turns to Tobio-chan and asks abruptly, “Are you having second thoughts about our relationship?”

Tobio-chan cants his head, confused. “Second thoughts?”

“Are you starting to regret being with me?” Tooru explains.

“What?” Tobio-chan’s eyes bulge and his jaw goes slack. “No, of course not! I—why are you asking me that?”

“Because you’re acting differently than you usually do. Is this because I tried to initiate sex those two times? I apologised for that. I didn’t know it would be such a big issue.” Tooru turns to Tobio-chan and grabs his wrist. “If I do something you don’t like, you need to tell me. If there’s something you don’t like, you need to tell me. I’m not a mind reader, Tobio.”

“It’s—well, it’s kind of about that,” replies Tobio-chan uncertainly, fidgeting. “But you’re gonna hate me if I tell you.”

“What?” Tooru’s brows furrow. He can’t help feeling offended by Tobio-chan’s lack of faith in him. “What do you mean? Of course I won’t.”

Tobio-chan’s expression twists into an expression of fear and uncertainty.

“Look at me, Tobio-chan,” Tooru orders in a gentle tone. He waits patiently until Tobio-chan’s eyes slowly lift to meet his. “Clearly this is eating away at you. Whatever it is, you just need to say it and get it out. Don’t assume you’ll know how I react, because you could be wrong.”

Tobio-chan swallows audibly and dips his head. “It was … When you wanted to have s-sex with me those two times, I got—I got scared. No, more than scared, I was _terrified_. When I thought of doing it, the worse I felt and I realised just how much I didn’t want to. Not that there’s anything wrong with you!” he adds hastily. “There’s nothing wrong with you.”

“But sex scares you,” Tooru murmurs. The puzzle pieces are starting to put themselves into place, forming the bigger picture. “You don’t like the idea of having sex, nor following through with it.”

Tobio-chan flinches, curling in on himself as if ashamed. “Y-yeah.”

“Do you think you could be asexual?”

Tobio-chan is confused again. “Asexual? What’s that?”

“Well there’s different variations of the meaning, but I’m not gonna go into all those because right now those don’t matter.” Tooru thinks for a moment. Figuring out how to put this into terms Tobio-chan will understand is surprisingly difficult. “For you, I think asexuality could mean that you just don’t want to have sex because you don’t like it.”

“Oh.” Tobio-chan’s face lights up. “I didn’t know there was a term for it. I thought—I thought I was weird. Or I was just being a dumb baby about it.”

“But are you okay with kissing and non-sexual touching?” Tooru asks seriously. The last thing he wants is to do something Tobio-chan doesn’t like and not know about it. “Say, like hugs or snuggling in bed? Or if I tickle you, it won’t freak you out?”

Tobio-chan shakes his head vehemently. “No, I’m okay with that. It’s only when it comes to s-sex that I get freaked out.” He inhales, pushing his shoulders back. He looks happier and calmer now than when he arrived. “I’m just glad I’m not weird.”

“Asexuality isn’t weird,” Tooru says, even though he knows Tobio-chan gets it now. He wants to drive the point home, hammer it into Tobio-chan’s skull so that he never forgets it. “There are heaps of people who identify.”

“But what about you?” Tobio-chan asks.

“What about me? I’m not asexual.”

“Exactly!” Tobio-chan shifts around, tucking a leg underneath his bottom so he sits facing Tooru. “You _like_ having s-sex. What are you going to do now that you can’t have it with me? Will you—are you gonna get mad?”

“The greatest thing about being a human is that you have two hands with apposable thumbs,” Tooru says. “Just because we can’t have sex doesn’t mean I can’t masturbate in my free time. It’s really not that big of a deal.”

“And if I decide in future that I do want to have s-sex with you? I’m not promising that’ll happen, but what if?”

“If that happens, that’s great. If that doesn’t happen, then I’m not gonna cry about it because nothing will have changed. We can deal with all that stuff in the future, but for now this is the way that it is.”

Tobio-chan’s chin wobbles dangerously. Before Tooru knows what’s happening, he’s got an armful of Tobio-chan, and the weight pushes him down to the mattress.

“There’s no need to cry, Tobio-chan,” Tooru tells him, carding his fingers through Tobio-chan’s silky black hair. “It’s alright.”

“’M not crying,” says Tobio-chan unconvincingly, voice thick. “But I—I was just so worried you’d hate me forever, and that you’d break up with me. I didn’t know I wasn’t the only one who was asexual before now. There _are_ other people like me out there.”

There’s a lump in Tooru’s throat. His eyes feel a little prickly too.

“When you’re ready, we can look it up on the Internet,” he says. “We can find websites that’ll help us understand more, and we could probably find sites where other asexuals gather and talk. You won’t feel so alone after that.”

Tobio-chan nods against Tooru’s chest. “I’d like that, but not—not right now.”

Tooru squeezes Tobio-chan tighter. “You can stay right there as long as you want.”

Words cannot explain how relieved Tooru is that their relationship isn’t over. He’s glad he broached the topic and cleared the air between them—and gotten to see a side of Tobio-chan he hasn’t seen before.

They cuddle in the middle of the bed for a very long time.


End file.
